Just over 4 months ago I sadly lost my best friend, my teacher, my role model, my mother. I have written a post about it be sure to read it here if you want to.
If you have ever lost a family member then you know it is just the worst and if you have lost a parent then you really know how much your life is just flipped upside down! The past few months have just been the absolute WORST! Not only have I lost my mother but my dad is not doing very well either and he is waiting for open heart surgery…. again… This post isn’t about his surgery though, it is about what has happened over the last few months and about what happened yesterday.
First I want to say that this is not a post to be sad about or cry while reading (even though I will be crying as I write it). If you were lucky enough to of had my mother in your life then you will know that she would not want anyone to be sad and crying about her passing. She was the type of women who could bring a smile to ANYONE and had such an infectious laugh. She would DEMAND that everyone remembers her smiling and laughing and just enjoying life and everything that it has to offer!
So far my dad and I have had to celebrate mothers day, fathers day, and my birthday without her physically here. I know and believe she is always with us plus I can smell her and hear here at times! We still have to get through the holiday season without her and her birthday in December! My dad and I are planning to still celebrate her birthday by going to her favourite restaurant and also in December I am getting a tattoo in memory of her.
I used to dream about her every night and it was just awful! It was always having to relive her last week and let me just say if you were there in the hospital you would agree that NO ONE should have to EVER be in that state during their last few days or in her case a week. I would also always dream that she was scared and lost and didn’t know what was going on. You can take it how you want but for me it was making my anxiety just the worst ever, thinking how can I be here with my dad when she is not with us and scared. Thankfully I no long dream of her like that now its good things and to be honest the other day I had a dream about her and well to make it short I told her I needed her yesterday and she hugged me and told me that she is ALWAYS with me. I woke up and could smell her and it felt like she actually hugged me! Again you can look at it as I am just dreaming but for me I see it as she is talking to me to let me know she is okay. Not only that I often get an overwhelming scent of her and it is honestly as if she is right beside me! It brings me a lot of comfort!
Okay not going to lie looking at that picture of my mom and myself I am now in full tears not because I am very upset that she isn’t here but more of the great memories I had with her! Thankfully I am starting to get to the stage of grief where I cry because of happy times. Yes I do still cry because I miss her and want her back or want to hug her. Nights are actually the hardest for me just because at night is when her and I would sit with a cup of tea and talk about everything going on in the world and in my life and well the lack of my love life. She would often bring up my love life and about my future as a mother. Those are the memories that I hold very near and dear to my heart. I still drink a cup of tea at night and think about what I would tell her and I do talk to her just not really out loud, I believe she can hear my thoughts. So even though she has passed away I still do a lot of other things that her and I would do together.
A few weeks ago we had a really bad storm where I live and I mean bad! About an hour up the road there was a tornado! Lucky it didn’t come to us but we still had the crazy winds, rain and even hail! The storm was so bad that lots of trees fell down and sadly one hit the car my dad and I share that was my moms. Just a few hours before it happened my dad had the car changed from her name to his and then BAM a tree hits it!
As you can see the damage was a lot… almost 8 thousand dollars in damage! Sadly after about a week of waiting to hear back from the insurance company we found out that the car was written off! When my dad and I went to go empty the car out it wasn’t until we were about to leave that I was taken over by emotions. I never thought I could get so upset over a car but it was not so much the car but the fact that it was another part of my mom that we had to say goodbye to.
The funeral home that we used does such an amazing thing for everyone that has passed. They plant a tree for everyone and yesterday was the memorial. It was such a BEAUTIFUL day! There were speeches and a minister speaking and also some singers. I was doing okay until about halfway when Arms Of An Angle was being sung and I just lost it. I should mention that this song makes me cry on a good day and also anytime I would sing it in the car and my mom was with me she would have tears in her eyes and a smile on her face because she loved to listen to me sing. She really was my biggest supporter! After the service there were snacks and drinks oh and cake, I can’t forget the cake only because my best friend that was with me wanted to get cake before it was all gone… After sitting around and having some snacks we got to go for a ride on a path to where all the tress will be planted (they only plant one and then the rest later) and there was a wall where all the names are. I didn’t even look to see if her name was on it just because there were people around and I rather go and look later on when it’s just my dad and myself. I will say that on a golf cart was the driver, my dad and on the back was my best friend and we were holding my dog Darwin! Side note Darwin is 6 months and over 60 pounds! If you want you can read about him here.
I will forever miss my mom and I do want to be able to talk to her and hug her again plus I wish I could sing and dance with her again. I miss my mom 24/7 and I am always thinking about her and about everything I would talk to her about. My mother used to tell me how much I am like my dad but since her passing my dad always tells me how much I remind him of her. I never realized how much I was like her. I never tell him but every time he tells me how much I am like her I feel honoured that I remind him of such a strong women who only wanted to give her love and take care of others. I really am just like her and it makes me so happy to have that bond.
I don’t know what my future holds for me and I don’t know what kind of man I will marry or how many kids I will have but it does make me very sad that they will never get the chance to meet her in person but she will ALWAYS be part of my future children lives! I already know that I will see her when I look at my children. My mom wanted to be a mother so bad and like her it is the one thing I want most in life! My children will hear stories of their grandma and see lots of pictures plus thanks to my dad they will be able to watch videos with her in them plus her wedding video!
Okay now this part will be sad and it ALWAYS makes me cry so hard at the thought but I need to share it with all of you… I said that my dad has to have open heart surgery and because of the risks and the fact we lost my mother my dad is VERY scared that he will not make it and yes it scares me at the thought and we are making all the legal arrangements so that if he does pass from the surgery that it will be easy for me with the house and the will and everything (that alone is hard to do). So because my dad is scared he will pass and leave me alone I have always said if he passes away this soon after my mom that I would bring him back and kill him myself, I say this because I always make jokes and it isn’t always easy for me to say how I really feel. The other day I told my dad the truth of how I really feel about it, I told him that I don’t want him to pass and that I need him (here come my tears again) but if he wants to go be with my mom I will not be mad or hate him and that I will 100% understand. I really don’t want to lose him but I don’t want him to pass thinking that I am mad, I needed to make sure he knew that I will be okay because he will be with my mom again. I don’t want to lose him so soon after my mom but I really can’t have him trying to hold on just for me! He needs to go where he wants to and I know my mom would want him to be with her yet stay with me and I put my wants aside so he can go where he feels he needs to be.
My parents are the definition of true love. I hope to one day find a man who loves me and supports me the way my dad did with my mom.
I miss the 3 of us being together but I know she is in my heart and for my dad he looks at me and he sees her also.
Alright I think I have written enough for today and I am sure you’re tired of reading! I am now going to go make myself a cup of tea, cuddle up with Darwin and think of the good times with my mom.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post and again if you had the chance to know my mother I ask that you too remember all the good times you had with her!
I love you mom from here to infinity and back