One month ago on April 30th 2017 I received a very upsetting phone call at 6:20am from a nurse at the hospital informing me that my mother had passed away. I knew it was coming and knew that it would be that day that I would hear she had passed. When I found out I didn’t cry or was even upset at that time all I did was said to my dad “that makes sense” now I know a very weird thing to say after hearing your mother has passed but I then told my dad that just before we got the phone call I saw my grandma with open arms smiling at my mom and her smiling back as they hugged each other.
Take from that what you want but myself I am a VERY spiritual person and I do believe in an afterlife. I believe I saw this as a way to let me know that all her pain and suffering was over and that my grandma was there to be with her.
Only a few hours later after crying a lot one of my best friends drove a few hours away to come be with me and so did one of my aunts and an uncle. We spent the day crying and talking and sadly myself, my friend and my aunt had to pick out something for my mom to wear. I didn’t like the idea of going in her room so soon but it had to be done!
One of the hardest things for me was about her wedding ring. I wanted to keep it but I also wanted it to go with her. I would go back and forth on if I should keep it or not and I was told to but I just felt like she would want it and I didn’t want her to be mad at me! I ended up putting it on a chain and I haven’t taken it off since! Well actually I have to put it onto a different chain but besides that it has been with me and I find myself often holding it.
If you have never lost a parent be very thankful! It is the worst pain ever! I absolutely hate this feeling! I find myself having a very hard time dealing with her death. I look at things a bit different and in one way is that because I was adopted I know she wanted me and because I have only had a mom for 25 years it is just hard to lose her. It breaks my heart knowing that she will never get to be a grandma, help me whenever I get married or even be here for my 30th birthday next year. As I am writing this I am in tears at the thought! I know she will be there in spirit but that isn’t the same.
During my moms funeral it was filled with laughter and lost of tears from my dad and myself. We had a family friend say something one of her brothers and myself. I was very surprised that I was able to say my speech without crying well at least until the end. We finished it off with a song by Johnny Reid as my dad and I placed her favourite flower (daisy) on her casket before getting ready to leave the chapel. At this point I was completely in tears and again right now as I am remembering all of this.
I am not trying to make anyone cry by reading this or get sympathy from anyone. My mom was a big supporter of this blog and would often ask about what I would post. Plus anything that I have posted to do with food or drinks she got to taste so she is part of my blog and it just feels right to post something about her. Also this is a great thing for me to look back at one day or maybe my future kids?
Not only was my mom a huge supporter of this blog but she was with SO many parts of my life! I never realized how much I am like her until she passed away and I would do something and think wow mom would do this too. I always thought I was just like my dad mainly because she would tell me I am but really I am a lot like her too!
Now I am going to be 100% honest here by saying no I am not doing okay. I get asked a lot if I am okay or doing any better and I really am not! I actually find myself getting worse but don’t worry I do have a counselor I see monthly and have been for almost a year. I find that with her passing I am not sleeping much at all! Only about 2 hours a night if I am lucky! I am also forgetting to eat. One of the biggest is I am not able to be in the house alone as I will hear sounds thinking it is her! The night is the hardest though because that is where her and I would drink tea and talk for hours about everything and anything! I have lost such a big part of my life and who I am and I don’t know how to deal with it! I am not even doing any of my hobbies anymore. I can’t seem to laugh or smile or really have fun! It may seem like I am at times but I really am not!
I know what you’re thinking…. she wouldn’t want me to be like this. Trust me I don’t want to either but this is how I am dealing with it. I ALWAYS miss her and want her back. I often find myself holding back the tears until later on when I just can’t anymore. I will stare at her chair in the living room and just cry thinking about how much I miss seeing her sitting there. I also find myself thinking about how much my dad and I didn’t do things she wanted some of them just simple things and others not. We are now making sure to do it all!
Again I am not writing this to get sympathy or anything like that! I do want to post here weekly again but like I have said it is just hard right now even though I do have many posts ideas! If you have ever lost a parent then you will know how much this really sucks and maybe you’re like me in the way that you feel physically sick all the time at the loss? I know in time things will get easier and all but really right now I can’t see that happening anytime soon! My dad and I still have to go though all of the “firsts” we have already done mothers day and their wedding anniversary next is fathers day, my birthday and so on!
I do hope you all understand that it is just not possible for me to post weekly at this time. Now go hug your mom and dad and tell them how much they mean to you! If you don’t have a parent(s) then hug yourself and remember how much you are loved! Any advice on books to read to help with this loss would be great!